A Strange(r) Question

“So what’s next?” she asked me.

I stared back at her for a moment wondering what prompted her to ask me such a perceptive question.

Maybe my face doesn’t hide my thoughts quite as well as I thought it did.

I know a handful of people in Nashville, Tennessee, but this face was one I hadn’t seen before.

“Could she be an angel?,” I consider for just a moment.

I wanted to say, “Next? I’m still getting through this day, I don’t have the slightest clue what is next.”

Instead I spouted off something about “figuring it out” with as much confidence and nonchalance as I could muster.

Even I hardly believe the words as I hear myself say them…

Later that evening, I heard a message from a pastor that I had never heard before… even now I don’t remember his name, but I’ve come back to his words over and over again this week:

            “Human abilities are never going to match a God-sized calling. So if you’re waiting to feel ready to serve you’re never going to get there. He wants us to trust HIM and not our resources. Bring whatever you have, your five loaves and two fishes, and follow Jesus into things only He can do.”

Days after hearing those words, I’m still wrestling with them.

I desperately want my five loaves and two fishes to be used by God.

But too many days I look at my five loaves and two fishes and think they look pretty measly.

“Does God really have a place for me to serve Him with my whole heart, mind, soul and strength?” 

I try to “figure out” how I can “multiply” my loaves and fishes so I can get to the point where I can really be useful to God. Sometimes I just try to hide them.

I want perfection. I want fulfillment. I want heaven on earth. 

Turns out it’s my CHOICE whether or not I’m going to live life with open hands and believe God is the one who is going to do the multiplying.

I don’t know what’s next, but I do know I want to start really believing that God will equip me for what He has for me.

Hands open. All in time, all in good time.

“For we are powerless against the great horde that is coming against us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.“

2 Chronicles 20:12

14 Favorites of 2014

my favorite pictures taken on my Canon and iPhone this year:

1. Jordan River, Israel

2. Volcan Baru Summit, Panama – 11,398 ft.

3. Dome of the Rock, Jerusalem, Israel

4. Israel

5. Dead Sea (aerial view), Israel

6. Israel

7. Temple Mount, Jerusalem, Israel

8. Radnor Lake, Nashville, Tennessee

9. Birmingham, Alabama

10. Colon, Panama

11. Samford University

12. Birmingham, Alabama

13. Birmingham, Alabama

14. Santa Monica Pier, California

Looking towards new adventures in 2015

You’ve Got to Crawl Before You Can Run

January 2014 – Sea of Galilee, Israel

I know, I know, you don’t want to talk about it… but word on the street is you’ve got one semester of college left. (Congratulations by the way!) Before long you will be faced with leaving the familiarity of college and entering the Real World. You might feel like you’re suspended in air, playing Russian Roulette with faith and fear… I get it. Last year this time I had a mini-meltdown. It was around 11pm, after a late-night Netflix binge of “How I Met Your Mother” when my mom started asking me questions. You know the questions, they’re the ones your parents’ friends or your high school friends ask you whenever you visit home…

Now let’s call a spade a spade: Netflix is the drug for the person who is Not Thinking About The Future. That’s right, I was avoiding it. Big time. Like Ebola…Let me stop right here to insert that I do not recommend getting into such a discussion with your parents in the middle of the night, just don’t. Here was the rub: the go-to answer for anyone’s questions was, “I don’t know”… and it was driving me CRAZY. Never before was I faced with the option of doing so many different things – so I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. The future was a wide open field, and I was paralyzed in the middle, just looking around me, wondering which way was home. Born into a family of 3 generations of doctors, no one in my family could give me advice on choosing a path that wasn’t laid out for me (Hint: I’m not in medical school).

Maybe this is where you find yourself: afraid to make your next move, because you’re afraid it might be the wrong one. I feel ya, I hate disappointing people too (Oldest Child here). But I want you to picture something with me…Think about how you learned to walk. You had to learn to crawl before you could walk, or even run. Let’s say college has been like crawling. Crawling is good. There’s nothing wrong with crawling. It’s comfortable and safe. You’re close to the ground so risk of falling is slim to none, but your visibility is pretty low from down there. Scientists say that crawling is necessary, critical even, for the development of a baby’s joints. (Sorry, I know a lot about babies.) But one day she thinks she might try to stand up like all those big people around… she pulls herself up to standing and thinks to herself “I’m a bit wobbly, but the view is so much better from up here!” The baby alternates between crawling and gliding along the edges of tables while she gets the hang of the thing. (Hang with me here…)

Then the first steps come – and the baby’s parents couldn’t be prouder! She takes as many tumbles as she does steps, but it’s ok, she doesn’t have very far to fall. Then, at long last, comes the confident walker. She may look a little bit like Frankenstein, but she’s KILLIN IT. Before long, she will have given up crawling all together. She’ll be able to bend down and pick things up, and before you know it, you’ve got a sprinter on your hands.

Right now, you’re a college crawler. It’s comfortable and you’re not sure you want to let it go, but you know there’s more. It’s going to look funny at first, the walking, but everyone is going to be cheering you on and no one expects you to do it perfectly anyway. You’ll find you can see better from “up there.” What will you be able to see better? Primarily, yourself, as each step feels a little steadier, a little stronger. Sure, you’ll have to pay your power bill and call the Pest Control people when you need to, even though you would rather pretend like those responsibilities don’t exist. But the “growing up” comes in being brave and doing the next thing. And every day you’ll feel a little more prepared to do it.

As I tried to find my place in the real world, every “no” led to the “yes” I could have never imagined. I was really disappointed when I didn’t get an internship with International Justice Mission (even though I tried to have low expectations). I was confused when my Mom had deep reservations about me moving to India for a year. But if I had done either of those things or the other opportunities I pursued, then I wouldn’t be where I am today: well on my way to my dream job. But that’s the beauty of this game: the only wrong move is to make no move at all.

Don’t do what you think sounds the most impressive, simply for the status of it alone. Do what you feel in your heart to be right… you’ll know what it is… it will be the thing you would kick yourself later for NOT doing. Also, please don’t make sacrifices for people who aren’t even in your life yet. What I mean is, if you are a young girl who has dreams of being a lawyer and a mother, I’m here to tell you that you can have both. Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise. We’re not promised children, or even tomorrow, so don’t defer your dreams today! Yeah my work is hard, my weeks are long. But it’s also as rewarding as it is challenging. I believe you can have the same.

You know what I think? You’re going to be just fine.

You want to know why I think that? Because you want to be successful.

So let go of the idol of perfection and follow your passion. When people ask you questions you don’t have answers to, ask them to pray for you instead of getting defensive. I wish I had done more of that.

Because in this life, and in your work, people are going to get on your nerves, and you’re going to feel burned out at times…

but you… you’re going to believe in the beauty of your dreams…

even when it doesn’t make sense on paper…

Do the thing that makes you feel alive…

I dare you…

Couldn’t have made it through these last few months without my co-workers, Brendt and Kristi, who make me better and make me laugh every day.

Last Words

(fall of freshman year, 2010, with my dear friend Jane Alice, later to become President of our chapter! I love her bright spirit and the way she humbly leads.)

This past Sunday, I became a Chi Omega Alumni! I’m so thankful for all the women that have taken the time to pour their love, time, and wisdom into me.  I’m also thankful I got a chance to share some words of advice and well wishes with my younger sisters.

Chi Omega Senior Will 

Freshmen – I know you are looking at my class and thinking: “they have it all figured out.” Let me set the record straight that we do not. But let me tell you all a few things I’ve learned here. Sometimes the hard way. Give yourself grace. That means, give yourself room to change and even to fail. You’re gonna lose friends and you’re gonna make friends – and that’s ok – that’s life. But actively seek friends who will allow you to grow and not be stagnant. If you do those things, I promise you will feel like you are a lot closer to the person you want to be by the time you leave this place. You are beginning the season of being called deeper. Not only to be real with yourself and each other, but with the incoming freshmen. Make them feel seen, heard, and known. [I leave you with Sonic, freedom, and laughter.]

Sophomores – You are halfway there. My words to you are: it’s not too late. It’s not too late to be a leader. Stand up for what you believe in. It’s not too late to pursue relationships (don’t just wait for them to happen). It’s not too late to seek out a mentor. In fact, I encourage you to! In the midst of friends and boyfriends, continue to try to be a 1^st rate version of yourself rather than a second rate version of someone else. You guys have so much potential, and I know that you are going to cruise through the roller coaster of junior year with stride. [I leave you with days in Ben Brown, roadtrips, and calories that don’t count.]

Juniors – you have made it through the roller coaster of junior year. Your priorities are starting to change. It’s going to be really easy to be selfish with your time your senior year, but don’t check out too soon.   As the great Tim Foote told me last year, “Don’t be afraid when your dreams begin to become realities.” It’s normal to feel overwhelmed, but press into the future instead of running away from it. It’s harder than it sounds. Be BRAVE. Be present with each other in your anxiety and celebrations. Never be envious of your friends’ jobs or fiancés, instead, choose joy. However bittersweet it may be, I feel good about leaving Chi O in your capable hands. [I leave you with a love of Birmingham, an appreciation for Chi O and all its quirks, and the courage to face the unknown].

I hope these words were an encouragement to you!… “May the Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace.” (Numbers 6:24-26)

“you can take that thing”

I rarely watched television growing up, but since my sophomore year of college it has become one of my guilty pleasures.  Recently I’ve been into the show “How I Met Your Mother.”  Now, yes, the moral compass of this hilarious show often points more south than north, but it has some redeeming moments.  One relatable line from the main character, Ted, comes to mind:

“The longer I put off starting my own (architecture) firm, the longer it can remain a dream and not something I screwed up at.”  With my graduation from college looming, I can relate to Ted’s feelings, (except for his grammatically incorrect use of the word “at”) as I’m sure many other young people with aspirations can.  We feel that we are on the brink of what we have been working towards, if only we could muster up the confidence.  Just yesterday, a dear friend described the season of life we are in as having one foot firmly planted in undergrad, and the other foot dipping its toes in the future to see if it is hot or cold.  This picture couldn’t be more on point.  When our dreams and our expectations come face to face with reality, the wake-up-call can feel more like a rude awakening than a gentle tap on the shoulder.  In the midst of this situation, I have been finding myself paralyzed by the fear that I may fail.

This is not a new fear, but the Lord brought it to my attention last fall as He also revealed that as a result of it I too often create noise in my life so that I don’t have to listen for His voice.  (Gasp!) Why wouldn’t I want to listen to His voice you might ask?  This He revealed to me as well: I fear what I might hear.  I fear that I might not be brave or humble enough to go wherever the Lord leads.  What if He calls me somewhere uncomfortable, or without community, or “unsafe,” or even … back to where I grew up?  In truth, I have two sides that war with each other.  The panic and the peace ebb and flow like waves running up the shore and retracing their steps.   My free-spirited side is invigorated by the possibilities of the future;  I have a deep desire to see lots of places and have experiences.  On the other hand, my human nature simply wants to be safe and comfortable…  Do I trust He is good? The words of a song by Rend Collective Experiment come to mind: “I do not need safety, as much as I need You.”

Woah. Do I really believe that?  The answer is that my fear is evidence of lack of trust.  As I wrestled with this fear, one day I had a revelation, the simple formula for a life that is not ruled by fear:

God says that His perfect love casts out fear, and He also said that His perfect love surrounds those who trust Him = those who trust Him have no fear! Now you may be thinking, cute formula, Liv, hard to practice.  To you I would say, you are right.  I myself have been behaving as a child who does not know she is loved.  But here is the good news: He is faithful and loving even in our fear and doubt:

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

GREAT is your faithfulness…”

Lamentations 3:21-26

Perhaps you are fearful of the future because you feel you are already not where you think you should be (or thought you would be), Ted certainly felt that way: “by thirty I was going to be annoyingly successful, married to the perfect woman, maybe a kid on the way…Instead I’m just some guy, sitting in his apartment having a staring contest with his phone…and I’m losing.”  If you are disappointed in where you are today I challenge you to relinquish the detailed expectations you have for your life that have left you disappointed.   In “How I Met Your Mother,” Ted wasn’t where he thought he would be at age thirty, but we know he got there eventually, because the TV series is Ted’s story of how he met his wife as he tells his children.  Despite our planning and our dreams, we are not in control of the trajectory of our lives.  So what can we do? Only this: Let go of expectations that are more detailed than a commitment to loving people, working hard, living joyfully, and giving all the glory to God.  If I could sit down and talk to fictional thirty-year-old Ted, I would share with him the words of Eric Liddell: “It is not willingness to know (God’s will), but willingness to do (obey) God’s will that brings certainty.”  Now that’s a motto to live by.

That is why in the midst of people’s questions without dazzling answers like, “So I guess you don’t have a steady boyfriend? Will you be staying in Birmingham? What are your plans?…So I guess you’ll be going to grad school, huh? ” I am choosing to see the question marks as blessings and not burdens.  Where the spirit of the Lord is there is FREEDOM, and freedom is the biggest blessing of all because it means we can live without FEAR.  If I am still walking the earth, I have purpose, and in that I can have such peace!  Fear is the temptation, but trust is the goal.

So I’ll leave you with the words Robin told Ted, and I tell myself when we’re looking at our phones and futures with reluctant hearts: “Hey, you can take that thing.”

The Holiday We Love to Hate

In the spirit of the upcoming holiday which celebrates romance, this post is, indeed, about love.  However, if you are in a serious relationship, this post is not for you.  If you are engaged or married, this post is also, not for you.

If you have a chip on your shoulder towards love the size of an overstuffed Valentine’s Day teddy bear, or if your friends would call you a cynic, this post is for you. If you are likely to give Valentine’s Day the begrudging nickname “Single Awareness Day” or to refer to yourself as a “cat lady,” this blog is also for you, my friend.

Let me preface this post by saying that a person does not have to be single to believe that Valentine’s Day is as sentimental as “A Holiday Driven by Consumerism and Self-Benefitting Card and Candy Manufacturers.”  However, I have recognized that whether as a result of longing for love, lost love, unrequited love, or a love that never had a chance, among the young singles roaming the globe, there is a widespread bitterness towards “singleness.”  Despite any pain we carry from earlier chapters in our stories because of love, we long for it.  We crave it.  We prioritize it over many other passions in our lives.  When we find it, we risk losing ourselves in the midst of it.

Let’s take a step back.  Why is bitterness such a temptation when it comes to singleness?  It is no secret that we all run the risk of viewing singleness as a profound statement of our worth.  Many of us harbor bitter feelings about Valentine’s Day because we believe the snapshot of time and space that is February 14^th is a thermometer of our desirability.  When women submit to this belief, they become consumed with the need for someone, anyone, everyone to affirm our phsycial and inmost beauty.  I am in no way proposing that the desire to be deemed lovely is sinful, or should be suppressed.  In fact, I believe the desire to be thought beautiful always has and always will be a part of the woman’s heart…

“We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing,

worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are.

We want a beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt;

beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.”

(“Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldredge)

Now, I want you to read that quote again in the context of your relationship with God.  Did you see it?  The captivating thing about God’s love for us is that we are already fought for, pursued, and seen.  Somewhere along the way, we have been lead to believe that Jesus’ pursuit is less than satisfactory.  Now in the effort of not being misunderstood, I don’t want you to think I don’t believe earthly, romantic love to be satisfactory.  Some of the most gratifying, affirming, and enriching moments I’ve been a part of took place in the setting of romantic love.  Regardless, the perception of “singleness” as synonymous with “loneliness” is to do it a great injustice.  Not only men, but all people are drawn to women who are alive in their inner most being, not because of what a man has told her she is, but because of who God has proclaimed she is through what He has done for her.  Jesus, the Prince of all Princes, has declared that YOU should be pursued.  In fact He pursues you daily and calls you to return the gesture.

It was when I began reading “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldredge that I began to recognize that the relational nature of women reflects the deeply romantic, adventurous, and vulnerable nature of God.  Through this book I was reminded that God both longs for us and longs to be loved by us. As we reflect on God’s deep love for us this Valentine’s Day, I hope you will remember that His love is not only the only unconditional one we will ever experience, but that His relational nature is His most important characteristic.

If you are still reading this, way to go, you are already on your way to a Valentine’s Day free of eye rolls!  If you think you might still be at risk, I want you to think realistically about your situation through one simple question:

Do you really want to be in a relationship right now?

Two possible reactions exist:

1. “You know what? I actually don’t want to be in a relationship right now. What am I fussing about?”  If your reaction most identifies with this one, then I challenge you to use your singleness as an opportunity to bring glory to God wherever He may lead you, while your accountability is only to the Lord.

2. “I really do, I’m ready to commit to another person.” If, instead, your deepest desire is for relationship, I challenge you to surrender to God’s timing (and not to listen to any Civil Wars this Valentine’s Day).  I want to caution you to resist bitterness, and to encourage you to preserve and nurture the vulnerable, courageous, good heart that resides inside, like the hearts of Mary and Ruth characterized in scripture.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone, because love is not overrated.